taleofacowardlylion's Xanga

Relocation Notice

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 21:52:31 GMT

just letting everyone know (as apologetically as i can) that i am relocating my blogs to 'blogger.' it is a google site, so it will streamline all my e-traffic, as well as allow anyone to view my page and make comments. apparesntly only other xanga users can do that here... anyway, there is a lot of good stuff i have included in the new sites, and i will be keeping the xanga ones around, but it might be more convenient to go through the blogger ones. i am pretty sure anyone can subscribe to the blogger site as well, which is another draw back to the xanga site, which you must have another xanga to subscribe (i think?)...

http://courageouscoward.blogspot.com

http://taleofacowardlylion

I know i just finished the testimony one, i will provide a link there as well. it might be easier to navigate the blogger site as well, since they are all organized by date...

i will continue to add updates to all the blogs for a little while, but eventually i will convernt entirely to the new page...

Memoirs of a Cowardly Lion

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 23:06:51 GMT

There has been a number of people who have expressed interest in hearing about the unique story surrounding my experiences over the last ten months or so. If you are reading this, you probably met me in my journey, however briefly, or heard about me through published articles or word-of-mouth. I have adopted the title of 'coward' in an effort to embrace the misplaced anger that some have thrown at me. I feel there is no greater satisfaction than to submit to the perceptions of others and prove their error through my willingness to live by my own Biblically-founded spiritual convictions unashamedly, an endeavor my accusers seem to be unwilling to embark upon.

The following is my attempt at bringing you the story from my perspective, which I beg you to remember is only one of many. I will make no attempt at abridging this account, since I find it difficult to filter my writing as it is. I go all the way up to the point where I found myself out of the Army, on October 19, 2006. From there, a Sojourners article lays out where my story picks up (www.beliefnet.com/blogs/godspolitics/2006/12/will-braun-christian-soldier-returns.html) where this testimony leaves off. After this entry, I have included emails I sent to friends and family along the way, in chronological order. I can only give you my experiences through my lens; for more background visit these other sites, and feel free to email me at courageouscoward@gmail.com, google my name, or search me on Facebook.

www.xanga.com/courageouscoward
http://groups.google.com/group/courageouscoward

www.catholicpeacefellowship.org/podcast/Site/Podcast/8147A4AB-D6EE-45AA-892E-4E15C938F27F.html
www.thesimpleway.org/mailings/june06.pdf
www.ocregister.com/ocregister/news/local/communities/tustin/article_1540762.php

-Logan Laituri

The curtains part…

I began considering joining the Army as a temporary necessity to pay for my college tuition. I had been accepted to three schools in Hawaii, but had no way to pay for any of them. The Army recruiter promised a way to do that, and I decided, after consulting my folks, that joining would be a good way to see the world outside Orange County, California. I penned my signature in a Los Angeles reception station in February, but would not actually ‘ship out’ until August. I must mention that this was before the bombing of the USS Cole in Yemen, which occurred while I was in Basic Combat Training in Oklahoma. I had signed up for airborne training and an assignment at Fort Bragg, NC, the proud home of the 82^nd Airborne Division, one of the US Army’s finest fighting units. While I was at Ft. Bragg, I quickly learned that the job I had enlisted for was responsible for much of the ballistic engagement on the battlefield. I was proud of the responsibility that the Army laid upon “Forward Observers” and the great sense of honor at being able to use a simple radio to command the larger caliber weapons that the infantry did not even see in front of them. There was a distinct pride and mysticism in being an “FO” in an infantry platoon; little was understood of us but much was expected. The list was short of those who were given real trust in the execution of their jobs. The infantry expected us to be weak, so we had to prove them wrong constantly. The artillery thought we were braggarts, so we learned to keep our humility about us always. There was, however, no whisper of us not being utterly in demand by either side. If the Artillery claimed to be King and Infantry Queen, we were certainly the Princes of Battle. And we knew it.

I will never forget the Airborne Operations and follow on training missions; each one was like reliving our Division’s proud past in the drop-zones of Germany and Italy. I accumulated over 20 jumps in less than 2 years, which is thought of as ‘chasing jumps’ in the 82^nd; it meant someone loved to jump. I loved my job and I loved to jump, earning me a prized place as an over-achiever in my leaders’ eyes. I was urged to go to Ranger school, the Army’s premier combat leadership school, but refused, stating I would go when the 1SG (the top enlisted soldier in a company, the infantry ‘daddy.’) stopped insisting that I go to increase our credibility within the infantry companies. I felt that I would not appreciate the training if I were not there for myself, and had I gone when they asked, I knew I would feel like a suck up. So I fell out of favor with the wrong person and never saw promotion until it was forced on me. Tired of the unit leadership politics, and eyeing a possible commission through a college program, I reenlisted for Hawaii to orient myself to the college campuses and the ROTC program. And to surf. Surf had a lot to do with my decision.

This was in August 2002, after the 82^nd was tapped nearly last of the Army’s ‘Big Ten’ active duty divisions to serve in Afghanistan. I had made a few attempts to transfer Brigades in order to deploy to the desert, but only those with a lot of rank were able to find positions in the deploying units. Sharing the slight frustration that we were not honored by being listed closer to the top of the deployment list, I signed up for Hawaii. I left NC on Dec. 20, on my way across the country to drive home to California for transition ‘leave (vacation/sick days).’ One week later I called a friend back in NC and found out they had been put on ‘lock down’ to mobilize to Kuwait to serve in OIF I. I cursed my luck and sucked in my pride; at least I was headed to Hawaii.

Upon my arrival to O’ahu on January 17^th 2003, I immediately felt right at home. The representatives for the school program that I came to process into were very helpful, and I was assured I was a prime candidate. I mailed my final application in by the end of March, already familiarized with the island and my new coworkers. In early June, I received my response, a denial. A brush with the law from my youth, which was sealed and not even found by the federal background check at my initial enlistment, had kept me from acceptance. I was told that it would be easy to get a waiver, considering the counselor had mistakenly told me not to worry about it, and that I should complete one right away and resend my packet; I would have my acceptance within a week. Then my unit in Hawaii received their deployment orders to Afghanistan for 6 months. I reconsidered sending in the waiver... A week later, the orders morphed into a yearlong deployment to Iraq. I decided against the waiver so that I could deploy.

The 25^th Infantry Division (Light) deployed to Iraq on January 20, 2004. I snapped a picture with the Division Commander, General Olsen, as I boarded the plane to Kuwait. On the plane, I read about how I was elected to Time Magazine’s coveted Man of the Year title. Yep, me. Well, I guess I have to share the title with every other American service member that year, if you want to be specific… My battalion (about 1,000 soldiers), 1-14 Infantry Regiment “Golden Dragons,” spent pretty much every month in a different location. To this day, I find it difficult to answer the question “where did you serve in Iraq?” As the Theatre Commander’s Quick Reaction Force (QRF), my battalion was called on repeatedly to travel across the country to quell uprisings and flare ups. We saw direct engagement in Tal Afar (twice), Mosul, the Syrian border, Kirkuk, Tuz Kharmatu, Tikrit, Samarrah, Najaf (twice), Diwaniya, Hauija, and more. For the Transfer of Authority from the US to the Interim Government on July 28^th, we were in Najaf, waiting for Muqtada Al-Sadar’s Mahdi Militia to pick a fight. During the first free Iraqi elections in January of 2005, we were deployed to Mosul to enter the Old City, an area inaccessible to the Stryker Brigade stationed there (the narrow alleyways and sharp corners proved indefensible for a mechanized unit, so they sent the ‘soft skinned’ infantry: us).

During my time in Iraq, I refused to simply be an ignorant participant to my nation’s policies; I wanted to understand my place in the political chess game we all were a part of internationally. I took every chance I could to learn more about why we were there and what we could each do to see our purposes (winning the hearts and minds of both Iraqis and Americans) achieved. I read the 9/11 Commission Report and kept my ears open at chow halls for news from CNN and BBC. I began actually reading the articles in Time and Newsweek, and they became a familiar sight to those that visited me in my ‘hooch’ in Kirkuk (when we had the luxury of staying at our Brigade’s ‘home base.’) The more I read, the more I wanted to learn more; I offered to live with our interpreter, Qase, who had an engineering degree from Mosul University and spent the first few months during the war performing duties as a carpenter for US forces near his home town. When he became an interpreter, he had to travel with us for safety; had Anti-Coalition forces recognized him cooperating with Americans, his family would be threatened (If Qase was lucky, that is. If not, they would be killed without warning as retribution for his assistance to Americans).

My unit had it’s outstanding achievements like any other does; we traveled more than any other unit and saw more direct conflict in more areas of Iraq than any other unit so far, my platoon was the first soft-skinned infantry inside the city of Samarrah on October 1^st to retake the city after it had been over powered by Enemy forces a few months prior (I earned an Army Commendation Medal for my efforts to defend a police station during ‘Operation Baton Rouge,’ as it was called), and we were trusted more than any other unit to secure the Old City of Mosul for elections, a high honor. For all our efforts throughout the year, we were nominated for a Presidential Unit Citation, the highest decoration awarded to a unit in combat. However, I am always quick to point out that my tour was no more or less horrific or traumatic (or heroic) than anyone else’s. There is no reason to feel more or less sorry for me than there is for anyone else. My request is that you do not see me as needing pity or as a victim, nor to allow me to use that for my own convenience; or to allow anyone else to do the same. Veterans of this war, and every other, deserve respect and dignity. And we deserve to be heard. I would say we earned it.

I returned from Iraq in February 2005, fourteen months after I left Hawaii. With everything I had experienced, I wanted to use what I had learned for a productive purpose. I just didn’t know how. So I let it slip into the back of my mind. On May 13^th, I met a beautiful woman, and we began dating (I remember not only because she was a beautiful woman, but also because we met after my unit’s ball to celebrate our safe return from Iraq months earlier). Before long, I met her family, only to discover abruptly that her father did not like ‘military guys.’ Despite his confessed prejudice against men in uniform, he was very open and willing to learn how to love even those he did not necessarily approve of to date his daughter. His wife, as well, was alarmingly open and decidedly devoted to living out the love she and her husband had read about in the Bible. My alarm was replaced with a profound respect and awe for people who were committed to living the Bible instead of just reading it on Sundays, as I had done my entire life. The faith I was familiar with was only exercised once a week and twice a year (Christmas and Easter). The faith they showed me, however, was a way of and a purpose for life. I was transformed by what was commonly referred to by the two of them as unconditional love.

Love without condition; what an awesome idea. Love without bounds, without limits, without reason sometimes. I learned so much from this family, who loved me so completely, so wholly. I learned about giving and receiving freely; both material gifts and immaterial gifts, like love. My relationship with their daughter was only enriched by these lessons; I began to practice this unconditional, sacrificial love with her, learning more about myself than anything else. This was, I confess, my first true love. I had had girlfriends before, but this was the first where I felt fully devoted and committed to a relationship, even if it cost me my ego or pride.

God had also begun bringing other threads of love into my life that I could not ignore. My brother had come back into my life after years of estrangement and emotional distance. I remembered prayers I had uttered in high school to be able to just hang out with him. Other moments, I asked some higher power to miraculously create a relationship where there had been none. All of a sudden, the prayers were answered; my brother had decided to move out to Hawaii to get to know me more. Additionally, I had been (fairly miraculously) allowed to attend night school again, even though we had much training scheduled to prepare for another deployment. I had a New Testament History class scheduled, my first ‘religious’ class, inspired by my girlfriends parents’ lifestyle.

From the class, my curiosity was sparked for the historicity of the Biblical Narrative. For the first time, I saw the Bible as it should be viewed; as a valid historical document. With that in mind, I wanted to learn more about what it taught. I vividly remember my professor telling us in class to allow it to shape our beliefs, not to shape it around our pre-existing beliefs. With my background interest in psychology, I saw the danger in what he was warning us against; our pride in thinking we are infallible will skew the Bible if we do not read it with open eyes, eyes that do not skip over the ‘hard’ passages. Example; if I am an ultra-patriot who supports my nation without question, I will quickly be reassured by scripture such as Romans 13:1, Titus 3:1, 1 Peter 2:13, and skip over such passages as 1 John 5:19, Revelation 18:3, Luke 4:5-7, and John 12:31 & 14:30. Besides, the first thing I learned when I decided to take my faith seriously was that every single human being is fallible and broken, including the Pope and the President. And me. Especially me. In fact, I realized me is the only person I have control over, nobody else. So that is what I focused on, changing me. Before I can hope to budge the plank in my eye, I must acknowledge that it exists and that it is skewing my entire perception of the world around me. So when, in a heated argument, my brother accused me of only bringing God into my life when it is convenient, I had to take the comment seriously, to consider it objectively and honestly.

I realized he was right.

Before this comment, my faith had been slowly condensing, compressing within me. The pressure slowly built, being fed by the various events in my life that led me to reconsider my entire life’s course. This single moment was the igniting spark that fueled the fire behind my decision to begin the journey I now find myself on. I vividly remember conversations I had with my girlfriend about how to move forward with this realization. Do I withdraw my spirituality in order to humor him, or do I boldly move it to the forefront of my very existence, threatening to ‘turn him away?’ Unfortunately, it was a decision I made wholly on my own, a decision that I felt ultimately had to be made by me alone. No matter the consequences or obstacles. Additionally, I had to consider my profession in light of the same realization; how did I continue as a Christian Soldier, heck, a Christian Forward Observer?! What did it mean to be both a follower of this Jesus and a follower of the tumultuous path of war? Would my allegiance to my country ever interfere with my allegiance to the God of the Universe?

To understate my own position, and to quote a great movie, I knew I had to ‘choose wisely.’ I felt there was, in fact, a Way of Death and a Way of Life, of Darkness and of Light. In March, I reconnected with a friend of mine from Iraq who had submitted a request for status as a Conscientious Objector, a term I had previously thought only applied to a Vietnam generation. I learned I was wrong, and that CO status was very applicable, even today. I read the Army Regulation he had directed me to, cover to cover. Uncertain if I would consider myself a CO, I began asking trusted friends and mentors their thoughts about war and peace in the Christian faith. I can’t remember too many who believed peace was a realistic option, but they did concede that it was in fact what Jesus taught. To justify the ‘moral necessity’ of a justified war, I was quoted Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, and some Calvin. This was my introduction to theology. I didn’t like it much, mostly because the theologians I was being introduced to never quoted scripture or relied on Christ’s very explicit teachings on how to live The Life, the very Master they were claiming to follow. It didn’t make sense to me, so I went straight to the source.

The Gospels have more than enough implicit and explicit references to love and peace, so I was troubled by the comments made by others within my developing spiritual family. The more I read my NIV Study Bible (also served as my text book for the New Testament History class…), the more I fell in love with a message I was not hearing from the mouths of preachers and church members I had been looking to for guidance. I remember quite clearly beginning to fall in love with this ‘secret’ message of Christ and wanting to know more. As I returned to church again for the first time in five years, I was blessed with experiences that I cannot excuse as simple worship. I began being moved during worship. I was brought to tears and could not keep my voice from failing while singing the songs. I was keenly aware of a feeling of repentance; of sorrow for thinking I was better that I truly was, for believing that I didn’t need to be sorry. Right alongside that feeling was an overwhelming experience of loving acceptance and embrace, of profound joy, despite my very real understanding of my shortcomings. These experiences were what really convinced me that I had experienced God’s love reaching out to me as I returned from a self-imposed absence or exile. I wanted to feel this every day, every hour, to be close to God my entire life. However, we were scheduled to head to California to train up for our upcoming deployment. I was still troubled by comments being made and the reasons used to support them, so I decided to ask a very significant mentor about the proposition of participating in war.

Not long before we were to leave for California, I turned to my girlfriend’s father for some thoughts and opinions, since I had an enormous respect for his ideas and was constantly told “it’s about love, Lucky (my nickname).” I was sure I could count on a shared belief in the sanctity of life and love from this man. Instead, I was surprised when he agreed that Just War is necessary, and that America was serving God’s justice in the Middle East by bringing judgment to Muslim extremists. One comment I will never forget, and never understand, was “you know, Lucky, life is not so special. We are no more valuable than animals and plants; life is life (I am forced to paraphrase after many months).” I was being encouraged to be comfortable in taking life, because God would use my deeds whether I understood them or not. However, I was calmly reassured (which to this day I believe was sincere), “no matter what you decide, we will never call you a coward. You are faced with a difficult decision, one that I have never had to make.”

I was heartbroken and confused at his beliefs, and how they seemed such a departure from his promotion of unconditional love. The love that I was introduced to then was clearly conditional; I was to love ‘extremists’ only upon the condition that they share my beliefs and they do not make the mistake of taking other human life in their narrow minded attempt to reach paradise. It seemed like I could apply that label to the very people I was discussing Just War with; that by their own logic somebody deserves love only if they do not take Arab or Muslim lives in their own narrow minded attempt to gain God’s favor. I refused this idea of selective or conditional Love, even if it meant I would have to love those that had this view of a an unmerciful god. That was all I was certain of before I stepped on the bus headed to the airport for our flight to California.

Disclaimer; if you are uncomfortable with “Evangelical” language, or are unconvinced of the existence of a ‘higher power,’ you might find it hard to identify with the following couple of paragraphs. While I really hope you read on, it may be more to your liking to skip down a bit…

My mind was alert and racing as my comrades slept on the Blue Bird bus around me. I was listening to music, thinking to myself. God heard me thinking, believe it or not. A seed planted long ago was about to break the surface, a cry for help was about to be uttered. My strength was focused entirely on figuring out how to be a committed follower of Christ and remain in the Army. The lips of my soul were about to part; to ask, to inquire, to seek. My heart was troubled. He hears when His children are in need, and most importantly when they acknowledge that they are in need. Repentance had begun earlier, in church. I was a fresh slate, about to be molded, to be re-shaped, to be used.

In my searching mentality, I was given what I am certain is a vision. I was transported from the Blue Bird school bus to somewhere in the Middle East. Not everything was crystal clear, but I was certain of two things: one being that I was not carrying a weapon. The second was an absolute confidence somewhere within me. I knew even in my vision that I should be afraid walking around the Middle East without my trusty M-4, but I wasn’t. I was the farthest thing from afraid. “Whoa,” I told God, “you want me to do what!?” As it sunk in, I felt my entire being change. Time ceased to be measured in days, hours, minutes, or even seconds. In one millisecond, I was the old me, normal, everyday Logan. Doubting I was capable of such a feat, doubting His commission for me, His desire for my life. In that same millisecond, I could see all the slander, the hatred and contempt I would face. I knew the impossibility, the daunting task that lay before me. In that same millisecond, I could have just as easily rejected the entire ordeal. I could have said no. No, it is too much God. No, it is too hard God. No, I don’t want to God. I could have held onto my reputation, my worldly position, my status as a good FO. No, God; I have my life, I have things to do, I have things more important to me right now God. BUT. I chose wisely. I chose the narrow, difficult path of most resistance. I chose the path of peace. One millisecond separated me from doubt and faith, from death and life; one millisecond separated me from God. That one millisecond fell somewhere in the minute of 9:40am on the 20^th of April, 2006. From that day forward my life had a purpose, my life had love. 1 John 4:16; God is Love.

Immediately, I realized that God is my purpose, to (try my best to) glorify Him in everything that I do. The more I am able to outwardly and actively love other human beings, the more people will identify me as God’s child and a follower of Jesus, reflecting the characteristics of Our shared Father; John 13:35. The greatest commandment Jesus has given His followers is simple; love God (Deuteronomy 6:5, the Jewish Sh’ma) and love others as yourself (Leviticus 19:18). To me, this means that every single action, thought, and deed MUST be tempered in love. Love must be my motivation in everything I do, even in justice. If I am indeed to ‘punish’ evil doers, I must do it with an interest to love them and to reflect God’s love for them; to give them the opportunity to repent (not to me, but to God) and be saved from evil. In killing them, I fail in this regard. Upon their death, I seal their fate and keep from them the opportunity to experience God’s grace.

I might punish my child as a parent, but I would do it in love, not vengeance, which pervades the justice in our world today. For example, I expect I will be a ‘spanker,’ but I could never spank my child to death, that would not be a lesson anyone could learn something from – they would be dead! I must have this concern and sympathy even for my ‘enemies;’ to show them love too, whether I like it or not. Even if it kills me. I saw this revelation as a manifestation of true heroism, a purely heroic feat undiluted by the expectations and manipulations of men, but inspired by an unquestioning faith in God above Man. I wondered under my breath, supposedly hidden from God, if I was able to perform such a significant feat.

At the moment I accepted this commission on my life, I ceased to think of death as a defeat, as something to fear, for there is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). My life no longer belonged to me, in a way. I had given it to God, to do with as He pleased. Should He call my physical body to return to the dust it was created from, I trust that He will protect my true body, which is not necessarily restricted to physical form, even beyond death. This is faith; to place everything in someone else’s control, trusting in their sovereignty and superiority. This is what God asked of the Israelites and what He continues to ask of everyone who calls on His name. “Trust me,” He says. It is tough; there will be trials and persecution. Let me continue my story…

I glanced back at a friend with eyes still red and swollen from emotion. He knew what I had gone through because he had been with me from the beginning of my doubt in being a “Christian FO.” He worked directly for me, and I had involved him in many decisions I had made, since he was devoutly Catholic and had more institutionalized training than I had in ‘religious stuff.’ I wrote my thoughts on a few receipts I had in my pocket, to record my experience for my CO application. I knew instantly I would seek noncombatant service as opposed to discharge. I wanted the Army to be my mission field; to serve those who are serving and who needed a light shining on the merciful and loving message of the Bible more than most any other mission field. My friend nodded assuredly and made a note on another slip of paper. I could see the inspired look in his eyes from what he had read.

Once in California, I informed the Chaplain and a few superiors of my intent to submit a packet once the training event slowed down to a manageable pace. The chaplain confirmed my beliefs and agreed that it would be considerate to wait for an appropriate lull in the training to inform my commander and First Sergeant (1SG). When I informed my direct supervisor, he was surprisingly supportive and seemed to expect my decision, based on some reading I had been doing and some things I had brought up in conversation. He assured me he would not share the information until an appropriate time, so my decision could be discussed responsibly and considerately as professionals. We even began brainstorming what I could do in Iraq as a noncombatant. At this point, it seemed plausible to think that I could actually deploy on time without a weapon and remain in the unit.

As the end of the event approached, word leaked to the 1SG that I planned to request CO status, which usually meant the service member would request discharge. Against Army regulations guaranteeing me an ‘open door’ to speak to my commander, he refused me access to the commander until we returned to Hawaii. I knew this would reflect poorly on my application, since the time until our deployment was quickly approaching. I impressed on the 1SG on several occasions to allow me to breach the subject with the Captain (CPT) sooner rather than later, in order to begin the process and to allow both the 1SG and the CPT to read the applicable regulations and Department of Defense (DoD) Directives. Three times I was refused a meeting with my commander while we were still in California. Many soldiers, including the CPT, were scheduled to go on leave directly from CA, while others, including myself, would take leave after two weeks in Hawaii. This meant the soonest I would see him would be in early June, nearly a month after the end of the training event, which equated to two months after what referred to in the regulations as the ‘crystallization’ of my beliefs (the experience on the bus on April 20^th).’ Determined to meet with him before such an extended time, I altered my leave in order to meet him once he returned from his leave, and before I went on mine.

This first meeting, on June 5^th, he was cooperative and approachable. He advised me that it looked bad because I had just been denied a school drop (early release from active service to return to college). The administrative measure had been open and pending for nearly a year, which was in itself an egregious misappropriation of time and effort, predating our new orders to Iraq. When those orders came, the entire Brigade (above Battalion, about 7,000 soldiers) was “Stop/Lossed,” meaning that anyone who was scheduled to separate from the Army would not be allowed to do so, but would instead be forced to remain in active service until after the deployment was completed. In some cases, this meant over a year spent in active service beyond someone’s original separation date (or “ETS date”). I fell into this category, so it was not a far stretch to believe that I was trying to avoid this extension and the pending deployment by seeking CO status. However, I actually sought to return to Iraq, and was very clear on this. I desired another deployment since that is what I felt I saw in that vision on the bus. So the accusation that I was trying to get out of a deployment fell silent and moot; I was trying to stay in and deploy.

I took leave on June 6^thunaware that my first trial loomed over the horizon. My girlfriend picked me up at the airport and we fell asleep watching a movie in her apartment. The next day we window shopped in LA and planned a dinner for that night to discuss how to develop our relationship further and explore our strengths and weaknesses in the relationship. That evening, we went to a nice restaurant and got through dinner before we decided to get into our relationship discussion. Before the conversation ended, she and I were no longer a couple. It seemed that abrupt. One of the main reasons she gave centered on our different directions in life. In the months preceding this conversation, I remember a few comments that reminded me that she was not in the same place spiritually as I was beginning to find myself. As much as I did not want to believe it, she was right; we had chosen different paths for our lives.

I was hurt (huge understatement, but it would be pages to describe the emotional rollercoaster that ensued). I felt my “religious beliefs” were being misinterpreted and other reasons she gave were difficult to interpret and seemed inconsiderate. However, the bottom line was that we were, indeed, moving in different directions in life. This truth did nothing to address the emotional heartache I felt, and I took solace in reading through the book of Hosea (three or four times…). I could now begin to understand how God truly loved Israel; swinging, as I would, from contempt and disgust to loneliness and despair. It was a reminder that man is in fact a reflection of his creator, that He too could experience frustration, anger, even longing. My greatest mistake was allowing those mood swings to affect my behavior; one night hanging out with our mutual friends, my ex-girlfriend appeared and I could not hold back my frustration, and I acted inappropriately out of shallow contempt.

Thus sprang my experience in forgiveness. Eventually, I accepted my responsibility in what I had done wrong in the entire relationship and began to understand how some of my actions could have been misconstrued, just as I likely misconstrued some of her actions. I tried swallow my pride and offered the olive leaf, after a few weeks, and knew that I could not expect her to respond; no matter how much I thought she should or how much I wanted her to. I am supposed to offer unconditional forgiveness, meaning that I could expect nothing in return. Reconciliation cannot be forced or it is not real reconciliation, not agape. This is true for ex-girlfriends and other folks we want to see as our ‘enemies’…

At work, I slowly made my way through the strict CO application process. I was asked to the office of one of my superiors to discuss my decision. I was skeptical and feared that this may be an attempt on the command’s part to figure out where I stood and try to find my weakness. The officer who summoned me fell over me in professional authority, but he was not my actual commander per se. I came to find that he had called me simply to discuss our conflicting interpretation of the Bible, he being a Christian as well. Regardless of my certainty that this was not a scheme to detect a weak link my intentions, I kept my answers guarded. We discussed all types of theology, but the most challenging question he posed dealt with the presence of warfare in the Old Testament. I found my answers lacking and not highly developed, and I left that conversation disappointed in my lack of considering this perspective. I realized that I could be wrong about this whole thing.

That evening I dove into my study Bible. I searched my concordance for four words; Love, Justice, Peace, and War. 6 hours after opening my Bible, I felt confident that I had moved in the right direction, though I knew this would not be the end of my study of the Old Testament. By my count (fingering each line and using multiplication – dang, I thought I’d never have to use that stuff again!);

Love occurred 508 times in the entire Bible, 307 in the Old Testament (OT) and 210 in the New Testament (NT)
Peace occurred 231 times total, 142 in the OT, 89 in the NT
Justice occurs 134, 118 in the OT, 16 in the NT
War occurs 137 times in the entire canonical Bible, 126 in the OT, 11 in the NT.

However, numerous instances decry war, though no concordance I could find ever decried Peace, Love, or Justice. That night, I discovered an eternal truth that had been hidden from my eyes for decades of being exposed to the Bible. Let me reassure you; the BIBLE is not Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, it is the greatest romance novel ever written! And to add to its miraculous nature, it is a compilation by God edited by men in love with God. How freakin’ awesome is that? Sorry, I get carried away when I am reminded how much God loves me and you. I was so tired my whole life of this feeling that God is the Ultimate Accountant, ready to ‘review’ your very poor file once you checked out here on earth. Now I see that we are, and have always been, called to love Him more than we are to fear Him. In fact, the Hebrew word used for ‘fear’ actually has numerous meanings when translated into English, including respect, to stand in awe of, to be inspired by, etc.

Think about it, we had everything in Eden, but Man messes up and God no longer has His most precious creation, His children, to be near Him. He is frustratingly trying to show man how to walk in the way we once did, in the Garden, but we are slow learners. The Bible tracks God’s frustration and desperate attempts to show us how much we are loved, to be reconciled to Him, but we continue to trust in and follow things we can only touch, taste, smell, and see. Anyway, I digress. Infinitely wiser men than I will ever be have written exhaustive works on the topic, and if you email me, we can discuss some of the good ones. Back to my measly story…

I returned to this officer with my findings the next day and we continued our discourse. I told him of my findings and he made more arguments to show me how he understood the Bible, though some of his arguments included;

Jesus has already died for all our sins, therefore we cannot lose our salvation no matter how much evil we do (think Calvinist theology; we cannot lose our ‘elective’ status)
It is morally imperative that we free Iraqis (and Afghanis, etc.) from dictatorships, it is actually evil to do nothing in the face of evil (we agreed on this point, though the real question was what is it to do ‘nothing’)
Romans 13:1 states we are to obey (actually it says to submit to) the governing authorities, and that includes orders to kill our nation’s enemies
(continuing previous argument) I was straying from God’s path by ‘disobeying’ the US Army, which was an authority ordained by God
Finally, I was accused of abandoning soldiers who needed someone to look over their shoulder as they are faced with that moral decision to kill a person and provide ‘support’

He became increasingly agitated, and began using baseless arguments (like the last one; he knew quite clearly that I was not trying to leave the unit at all, as we had discussed the feasibility of what position I might be able to fulfill without a weapon in Iraq). Obviously frustrated, he told me he could not believe what I was deciding to do, and threw the packet I had prepared for him on the ground, telling me to “get the Hell out of [his] office.” Curiously, he stormed off before I could excuse myself, and slammed the door upon his hurried departure.

Back at my unit, cynicism was high. Word had gotten out about my discussion with my professional superior. To add to the increasingly volatile situation, just before I had taken leave, the private who had worked for me for several months, the same who I had turned to in the bus on April 20^th, had asked me solemnly to meet with the Chaplain. He confided in me (prior to going on leave, so rewind for just a moment) that he felt he could not kill another man and follow Christ either, and that he felt the catechism of the Catholic Church supported the same perspective. I encouraged him to make an informed decision in how he moved forward, even if he found himself in a morally difficult position. He decided to submit his own CO application and request discharge.

We found ourselves in an interesting dichotomy; he was a private, I was a Noncommissioned Officer, he was a Catholic, I valued Protestant theology more, he sought discharge, and I sought to return unarmed to Iraq. He finished his written request within a week and had me leave it with the commander after he spoke with the 1SG about his decision. Upon from his meeting with our 1SG, he informed me that he (the 1SG) had declared that I had “directed” the private to submit a CO packet. I fail to understand what I had to gain from another person requesting CO status. Nonetheless, from the get-go, I was seen as a brainwasher of this poor private, and command later reassigned him to another company and returned his packet (a violation of AR 600-43, Appendix C, line 4).

**You can view the Army Regulation by visiting this website;

http://www.usapa.army.mil/pdffiles/r600_43.pdf. Furthermore, I will skip the leave period I took June 23-29, which was separate from the leave I took from the 6^th to the 18^th, when my ex-girlfriend and I split up. This time period is covered pretty exhaustively in two updates I sent to friends and family immediately following the leave. I have included those updates on this blog, they should appear after this entry…

By early July, I met with an Army chaplain for the interview required by the regulation. I informed him of my understanding of what Jesus taught and why I felt there was war in the OT. I shared with him how I had come to my decision and why I felt prepared to die should I be killed on the battlefield without any means of ‘defending’ myself. I also shared with him a letter my ex-girlfriend had written to my commander about why she felt our relationship could not continue. I was relieved when he listened to what I had to say without arguing his perspective. The Chaplain, in a CO interview, is only required to comment on my sincerity (AR 600-43, Chapter 2-3, line a, and Appendix C, line 7), which he did. He also made it clear that he ‘respectfully disagreed’ (that is a great way to respond, don’t you think, with respect?) with my conclusions, though he deeply appreciated and admired my commitment to my religious convictions.

The next required interview was with a professional Psychiatrist to determine if I had the competency to grasp what lay before me and to comment on my mental health. Should a psychiatrist find any medical condition that prevented me from seeing this process to its completion, any mental diagnosis would supersede the CO packet (AR 600-43, Chapter2-3, line b and Appendix C line 8). As I explained my convictions and reasons supporting them, he listened attentively. Within the first 15 minutes he commented that I was one of the most mentally balanced people he had met with in years. However, he was clear that I was experiencing what amounted to a failure to reconcile my perceived professional obligation and my religious convictions. The only logical result of this maladjustment would be a situation (weaponless in a combat zone) that would very likely end in great personal injury, or even death. For that reason, he strongly recommended that I be separated from the Army and also classified me as medically non-deployable.

The rumors and whispered threats had become increasingly concerning by early July, and I was disappointed that my commander had not fulfilled his obligations toward processing my application (AR 600-43, Chapter 2-2, line e, and Appendix C, lines 5, 6, 8, and 9)I had not been treated with respect by other members of my unit. I was referred to a lawyer to safeguard my interests and ensure my situation would be treated appropriately. I also informed the Division Inspector General (like Internal Affairs) of the evolving situation and was instructed how to move forward within the bounds of the regulation that governed the CO process. I had written the Hawaii chapter of the ACLU and asked for assistance, since I knew they worked pro-bono. On July 10^th, I scheduled a joint appointment with the ACLU’s representative and the lawyer I had been referred to, who was at that time (and still is) representing a high profile case having to do with another objector.

I had arranged the appointment to allow the private, who was still struggling with his own CO packet, some time with the lawyer as well. We met at the lawyer’s Honolulu office on a Friday during lunch, but the private got lost and had to jump in once he arrived. I told the lawyer that I was seeking to defer my deployment so that I could receive due process in my CO legal proceedings, which made it necessary that I not deploy until the process was complete. Prior to meeting with the lawyer, I began to suspect that my command was waiting out the process to force me to act on my convictions. Should it come down to the wire, I would not refuse to get on the plane to deploy, but I would certainly refuse to draw my weapon. While they might not charge me with missing movement, I would quickly be charged with failure to obey a lawful order.

After discussing the facts and providing him with the pertinent documentation, he made a call to the Division legal representative. During the phone call, my name and unit were mentioned and he asked that a copy of my packet be forwarded to his office. He was clear that in cases similar to mine, where Federal Injunctions are used to defer deployments of soldiers pending mobilization (*search “Corey D. Martin” and the New York chapter of the ACLU*) had met favorable decisions.

Monday morning, as I pulled into a parking spot outside my unit, I was hailed down and rushed into the 1SG’s office. The first thing he told me went something like this;

“Well SGT Laituri, you got what you wished for. You are being reassigned to rear detachment”

This meant I would not deploy with my unit on schedule, if I was to even deploy with them at all. That day, I was processed out of the company and quickly ushered to my new unit. This clearly violated the regulations (AR 600-43, Appendix C, line 4), and I was told they were reassigning me to abide by the psychiatrist’s recommendation, and that I was “another unit’s problem now.” Late in the day, I was told that the captain (company commander) wished to see me. Weeks before, I had asked to see him after I had heard other non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers making unprofessional and inappropriate remarks to subordinates, among other grievances. Unfortunately, the request was never honored, until that day. I will remember that meeting for a long time.

The commander asked me what I wanted to see him about and I replied that the complaints had been taken care of and were not relevant. If I remember correctly, I think I reminded him that I was told that he had asked to see me. Once the elephant was out of the closet, he recited to me several remarks that seemed prepared and directly accusatory. Some of his accusations included lying to my psychiatrist about being a conscientious objector, lying to the Inspector General about the circumstances surrounding the CO process, behaving irresponsibly as a Noncommissioned Officer (NCO), and finally, that my actions benefited the ‘enemies of America.’ Additionally, he told me I was being reassigned because he could not trust me and that I did not deserve to go to Iraq with the unit. He was certain that I was trying to get out of a deployment and that I did not deserve to be an NCO. I was surprised with the circumstances under which he brought this to my attention, and was confused about why he chose this time to relay his thoughts to me. However, after he told me to “never step foot” on his company area again, he excused me and that was the last I saw of pretty much anyone in my unit.

As a result of many different contributing factors, the private who had submitted his own packet was reassigned to the headquarters company (HHC), which was irrefutably in violation of the Army Regulation governing conscientious objection (AR 600-43, Appendix C, line 4). Later, I was given a derogatory NCO Evaluation Report (NCOER), only months after an extremely laudatory one, claiming that I had “forced [my] opinion on other soldiers,” meaning the private, and that I was no longer a satisfactory leader. Without going into the confusing mess of the Regulation concerning submitting NCO-ERs, their comments were basically unusable since they were unsubstantiated and extremely subjective. In order to appeal the NCOER, I needed witnesses to refute their claims. The most obvious witness was the very private they were accusing me of forcing my opinions upon. When I went to speak to him, he informed me that he was given an order to not contact me or speak to me in any way. I told him I felt the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ, basically the legal system within the Armed Forces) would not support the legality of an order that provided no justification and also directly obstructed the right to appeal a derogatory NCOER. I knew I was endangering his standing with his new unit, so I left the decision to contact me with him.

The next day, I was brought to my new commander’s office by another captain who was my professional supervisor. Words were surprisingly few; even though he was one of the men I went to while we were still in California in training and had confided in him about my concerns regarding serving with a weapon. Before he took me into the commander’s office, he told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to contact the private from that moment on, for any reason. If I remember correctly, and I may not, I told him about my intended appeal and that the legality of the order had come into question when I brought it before Division Legal after I finished speaking with the private. He did not respond, leaving me outside the office as he went in to speak with the commander. From outside, I heard bits and pieces, among which was the following;

Commander: “Do you have his social [security number]?”

Supervisor: “Yeah, here it is, do you have it written up yet?”

C: “Not yet.”

S: “Do you want me to bring him in here?”

C: “I don’t want to see that motherf***er. Keep him outside”

I never saw any written order condemning me from contacting anyone, so I am not sure what came of the process. The officer emerged from the commander’s office and reminded me not to speak to the private and excused me.

Within a week or so of that incident, the unit began deploying to Kuwait to certify and train up to enter Iraq. I was on 24 hour duty at a desk overlooking our parade field the day the Commanding General gave his speech to the unit before they boarded buses headed to the airport, to begin their 28 hour or so journey to Kuwait. I watched the unit say their goodbyes and step slowly and deliberately onto the buses for their one year tour in Iraq. Still certain I was supposed to be with them headed to Iraq, I was largely upset about how the circumstances had evolved and wished I could be stepping onto the buses myself. God, however, had other plans for me.

Every attempt I mad to figure out what my future held was answered ambiguously. I asked numerously about whether I would be “chaptered out (involuntarily separated due to the medical diagnosis)” of the Army of forced to remain in the unit until the deployed soldiers returned from Iraq. My original separation date was in August of the same year, and I was only weeks away from that date as I asked these questions. I was anonymously told later that the command intended to keep me in garrison and enforce the Stop/Loss policy, in subtle retribution for my efforts to ‘get out of a deployment.’ I settled into this reality and began to seek ways to fulfill the commission God had given me, remembering Luke 9:62 and Christ’s reminder that nobody who looks back after placing their hands to the plow was worthy of the Kingdom.

I decided to apply to a delegation of Christian Peacemaker Teams to Iraq, believing I could take a two week leave period and slip quietly out of the country to be an incognito missionary. To my disappointment, the organization no longer had teams in Iraq, after some CPTers had been kidnapped and one, Tom Fox, had been killed as a result of that. At the time of my consideration, Hezbollah had kidnapped two Israeli soldiers and had triggered a massive response from Israel in the form of bombing and offensive operations into Southern Lebanon, so I applied to Israel as a second choice. I felt magnetically drawn to areas of direct armed conflict, as I had been exposed to it firsthand for 14 months, and was confident in my ability to stand firm in the face of perilous situations; I wanted to go to the areas people were expected to fear and shy away from, to aggressively wage peace and advance God’s Kingdom by wielding spiritual weapons above temporal weapons.

My application was met with confusion, but after a brief explanation of why I felt called to involve myself in nonviolent action even while in such a seemingly violent profession, my application was received and I was reserved a slot for a November delegation. I returned to my unit to submit a request to take leave outside the country, which needs special approval in certain circumstances. As I enquired about the process I would need to complete, I was asked where I wanted to go. When I told them where and why, I was effectively told to forget about it.

Troubled that I could not find a way to serve in the way I felt undeniably called, I began to wonder if I could, in fact, consider the military a viable mission field. I did not, however, withdraw my application from Christian Peacemaker Teams. Consulting a new chaplain, I wondered if changing my CO application, which was technically still pending (though realistically, it had been lost in the shuffle), to request discharge. My new unit was evidently not pursuing a medical separation, though I was assured the paperwork had begun. The choices seemed very clear, I could either be medically discharged on the basis that the psychiatrist cited I was not fit to remain in service, or I could change my application. By keeping me in garrison at Schofield past my initial separation, my command was willfully withholding a legal proceeding from it’s completion by not processing my CO application, and was also not abiding by the regulations regarding soldiers with ‘mental disorders’ who were recommended for discharge (DoD Directive 6490.1, Chapter D-8a) by qualified medical professionals.

It was late August as I was considering these possibilities. Near payday, I found on my pay stub some information that caught my eye. Every service members Leave and Earnings Statement (LES) lists information about their separation information and accrued vacation (leave) days. On my end of month LES for August, I found my separation date was not listed as October of 2007, as it had for months before, after being adjusted to reflect the application of the Stop/Loss policy. For a reason I could not understand, my new separation date was listed as November of that year, 2006. Curiously, the date fell within days of my projected Christian Peacemaker Teams delegation into Israel/Palestine! Initially, I was not surprised by the error that certainly occurred in changing the date, and tried to figure out where the mistake was made (I didn’t want to stop getting paid come November…). Strangely enough, the more agencies I asked, the more I was told that there was no mistake. Every personnel section or administrative agency I went to told me to begin preparing for civilian life!

As a result of another bureaucratic issue, I was also ‘forced’ to take leave before the end of the Army’s fiscal year in October, which meant I had only a few weeks of work left before this date approached. To be safe, and at the advice of a trusted coworker, I submitted the usual packet to receive my separation orders and process out. I figured the orders would get held up if there really was a mistake. Usually these orders take a few weeks to receive. I dropped my packet off one morning four days before I was to take leave, thinking I would get them back once I returned from leave. I got a call at lunchtime telling me to pick them up. Less than three weeks later, I found myself a member of what I used to refer to as “the private sector.”

And it was only the beginning of my journey…

PAPA Festival

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:50:48 GMT

June 23-25, 2006

I have to write on what has been going on at PAPA Fest and Call to Renewal. So much….. something. The spirit is working. What else can I say? I guess just a biographical recap of what has been going on.

First of all, the simple fact of me getting to go to both of these gatherings (PAPA Fest and Sojourners conference) was in itself a miracle. I remember how much arguing and being yelled at I had to endure to get the commander’s approval, not to mention the work details, forfeiture of some block leave, etc. I flew to Knoxville Thursday night, hoping to write about the weapons the gospel I am called to use, a suggestion my high school minister made when I reconnected with him in early June (talked to him for the first time in 6 years, just neglect on my part). Also, I am being drawn to write about allegiances and the danger of placing too much faith in the state. I hoped to write on one or the other during my first 8 hour jump to Knoxville. Instead, I slept the whole flight.

Knoxville was nice, and I found the PAPA group fairly quickly. I got my first chance to spread the message to others on the shuttle to Greenback, where the festival was being held on a ranch that Shane Claiborne’s parents own. Joel, the driver, was about my age, and seemed to be drawn to what my story was. Also, a musician by the name of Trace had some interest in what my thoughts were on war and how I was being led. Once I got to Shane’s house, Chris Haw and Darin Petersen found me almost immediately. I was struck by Chris’ greeting; he welcomed me like we had met before and had known each other for a long time. I also was recognized by Ryan and Holly Sharp, again as if we were longtime friends. I felt so at home, like no welcoming I had had before from people I had never met in person.

I quickly set up my little camp under my Army-issue ponchos; what can I say, it’s what I’m used to. I later learned several people thought I was there as a liaison for the military; what with my laptop and all, in my camouflaged position on the edge of the camping area. Luckily, that stereotype didn’t keep people from approaching me. I enjoyed the “Theology of Circus” seminar by Shane and Justin, and I caught on pretty decently to spinning plates. It was interesting that Shane wanted to pray while on his stilts, just kind of new I guess. Besides that, I don’t remember much from the first day other than my awe at the overwhelming feeling of fellowship and communion with others.

The second day, I remember going to another of Shane’s seminars, this time one on “Jesus and Empire, Lovingly subversive life and death.” As I got to the location it was to be held, he took me to the side and asked if I would share my testimony and how my allegiances to State and to God have collided and what that meant to me. I was flattered and nervous that I was to talk instead of simply listen, but I was glad for the opportunity to help further illustrate allegiances for his audience. As Shane spoke, I hurriedly jotted down notes from what I thought I might share on. About 45 minutes into it, he introduced me and familiarized the group to how he came to know me.

Once I stood up, everything was pretty much a nervous blur. I’m not sure how long I spoke, but only that I tried to exclude from my narrative anything that didn’t have much to do with allegiances. I think I blurted out basically what had been going on and how I felt about my own allegiances to God and to the state. Hopefully I kept everyone’s attention. When I ran out of things to say, Shane asked for me to remain up front as he elaborated a bit on something (I honestly don’t remember much other than how the church is called to support COs or something along those lines. I'm not kidding, I may as well have blacked out. I remember looking at the ground a lot… hahaha). After that, he asked if it was ok to pray for me and for the path that been laid out before me. I obliged, and was surprised when he asked everyone to huddle around me and lay hands on me in prayer.

It wasn’t the first time I had been prayed for in this way, though it was very encouraging to see such undying, unconditional support from everyone there. Shane, thanks so much for leading that session, words don’t do justice to what you did for me. After that seminar, I spoke to an Episcopal priest and others about what is going on with me. It was great to be able to share on a personal level what I see as a message not really my own. I see it more as an opportunity to provide much-needed alternatives to the institute of war. I hear so much being said about ‘lets find another way,’ but then that’s where the conversation ends. Nobody finally comes to any new ideas or suggestions, and I think my hope is that some of my ideas can be some of those concrete, creative ways for overcoming violence.

Anyway, people began to approach me about my story, usually just curious about specifics, but sometimes I see true gratitude in their eyes. I did not see this so clearly until one woman approached me late in that day. She thanked me for sharing and informed me of how people need to hear this message. She recalled, with misty eyes, how her daughter’s father (ex-husband? ex-boyfriend?) was in the marines, completely blinded by the service’s indoctrination and propaganda. She explained, with increasing restlessness and sadness, that it was really him that needed this message. It was service members who were most in need of liberation from the darkness and loneliness of the world they were trapped by. The world for them is so uncaring and restrictive, so entrapping and hopeless sometimes. I wonder if the true conflict in their world isn’t overseas, but on a spiritual and emotional battlefield.

The woman now wept openly as memories of her ex flooded her memories, a few of which she shared with me. I said what I could and thanked her for coming to me and being an encouragement. As we were about to part, she went to shake my hand, but I could do nothing short of embracing her in a heartfelt hug. We stood like that a bit longer than I am accustomed to, but it was so needed and appreciated, by both of us. The most encouraging thing was that she was just one of many to approach me. I was no longer ‘that military guy,’ but now I had a name. People knew about my story before they even came up to me. I must have given out my email address two dozen times. I think it was later that night that Tony Campolo called. I was talking with Darin when his phone went off and I got to hear Tony for the first time, little did I know I would be hearing much from him over the next several days. Anyway, he spoke about dreaming big and following those dreams. Some of what he said reached me at a profound level. I had to take a private walk after hearing him; it seemed as if he was talking directly to me. I remember I was forcing myself to stay awake by 9 or 10pm, the effects of jet lag were making me do the nod and bob.

The next day went well; I listened to Aaron Weiss talk about the veggie oil bus. I had seen the AWIP DVD already, so a lot of stuff wasn’t really new to me, but it was fun to hear it again. Aaron has such an interesting way of public speaking; his mannerisms and gestures compliment each other. I was smiling the entire seminar. I also got to talk to Trace Bundy, who played Saturday night; we had met on the shuttle from the airport and he was interested in hearing me elaborate on my story. It was calming to be able to share with him on a more personal level, I think we even talked about my relationship with my ex-girlfriend and how that whole event has shaped me. Hopefully I can remember his website and get his email… I also attended Darin’s class on the RT and got to hear the how and why behind it straight from the horse’s mouth. Some good things were discussed. I believe it was Saturday night that Liz McAllister called; I liked what she had to say about getting in trouble. The part about the guys in clown suits was interesting (the theology behind clowns and the circus was a good seminar). It got me thinking that I should go to my first day in court in clown make up. Maybe not, though.

Sunday was a great send-off; communion was like no other I had ever had. The Psalters were amazing the night before, and the songs they played for the liturgy were just as inspiring. After communion, I talked with Shane, Ryan, Holly, and Amber about how things were going. I’ll comment on that later though. At the classes, I got to hear from Andy from the Jesus Radicals site and hear Jonathon Wilson-Hartgrove talk in his class. Josh from Freedom for Fear talked about a proposal of training people for something or other to be ready to be hostages, etc. I had a comment about something unrelated, and as he saw my hand go up, he said something to the effect of ‘this guy has the kind of training it takes,’ or something. I’ll try to comment on him in a later email. Shane and Chris both had some reservations about him, and cautioned me to be wary of what he was asking for.

At the anarchy seminar, I heard from a few people about the powers that be and how to live as Christians despite them. I was concerned by what Andy said; he seemed to be throwing his arms up and saying in effect ‘we cant do anything about it, so lets try to just worry about ourselves.’ His comment struck me deeply, not for me, but out of concern for him. I am of the belief that you are capable of doing exactly what you think you are. I feel that the first time that you say you can’t do something you are right. Because we are washed in Christ's blood, we have an endless worth; infinite value and capability. It is depressing for me to think that someone feels their voice is powerless.

I was about to comment on what he said, but before I could say anything I was floored when Chris said something about me to the group. I didn’t expect him to say anything, but what he did say was surprising. If I remember correctly, he essentially said that out of anyone in the crowd, I had the most authority to talk about the powers and authorities (or something like that). Little did he know there was a National Guard chaplain sitting just in front of me who probably was a little surprised by that comment as well. Hahaha. Anyway, I got to talk to the chaplain afterward, and I was actually very surprised that he was so interested in what I had to say and my feeling toward chaplains’ obligation to the Army and how I felt I possibly could not fulfill that obligation had I been a chaplain. I am so used to being told by chaplains what I should do, not telling chaplains what I think they should do. Interesting flip.

After that seminar, I went to find Jonathon Wilson-Hartgrove, after Chris informed me that he was interested in seeing me about the CO process. I got to talk to Jonathon for a bit, and later I found a book he left in my ‘tent’ with a little encouragement on the inside cover. After I packed up and said my goodbyes, Joel took me back to the airport with some stowaways. At a store along the way, I got a copy of the local newspaper, and sure enough, PAPA Fest made the front page. I bought an extra copy so Joel could bring one back to the guys tearing down, and one of the other passengers, Ross, read the article aloud for everyone. It was a good article, very interesting. I kept a copy; I’ll probably throw it in my scrapbook after awhile.

I wanted to reserve a bit of space to thank Shane and Ryan for helping me sort through the publicity issue. Your guidance was pivotal, and I now understand completely how the Spirit really works through people. I go into more detail in my update on the DC conference, because that’s where I really began to realize what Shane meant when he said that my story will find its way around just by the power of the Holy Spirit. I ended up not getting much time with Jim or Tony at the conference, but I did decide to shoot them emails, both of which I think are some of my best writing in awhile. I will keep everyone as up to date as I can. I have already ranted for too long…

Sojourners Conference

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:50:08 GMT

June 26-28, 2006

My story begins in the air above DC, waiting for weather to clear so that we could land. I have never been in such bad weather; I'm talking about bolts of lightning outside my window (I hate window seats). Meanwhile, I look around at everyone sitting calmly; reading books and talking amongst themselves. Wondering if they see the maelstrom enveloping the aircraft, I begin praying fervently to save us all… luckily we got in ok though.

Once we were down, we had to wait for our terminal to reopen after rain made it close for some reason. When I got off, my friend Nate met me at baggage claim, where we spent an hour and a half waiting for one of my bags. It eventually turned up on a pushcart, soaking wet. So we got out of the airport around 2am, but the city was flooded. Initially we were going to go around, but I couldn’t help but go through downtown to see the monuments and play tourist. We finally got to his place at 3am, where I took my first shower in about four days. Three hours later, we wake up to try to go to the Pentagon and take part in a weekly protest outside the gates. I got excited when he mentioned that Liz McAllister would be there, since we just heard from her at PAPA Fest. Unfortunately, the METRO was shut down due to flooding and we did not make it to the Pentagon until 8:05, just after they usually wrap it up.

We returned dejectedly to Nate’s house and went our separate ways; he to work, me to register for the conference. After a complicated registration procedure for housing, I got to the National City Christian Church and got settled in. I thought the most influential speaker that day was Tony Campolo. There were others, but he definitely had fire in his eyes. I really wish I had recorded his speech… After the initial welcoming speeches, the first workshop seminars kicked off. I went to the emerging leaders track about sustaining yourself for the long run in being an activist. I thought it was a weird subject; we were taught meditation and relaxation, I just don’t get meditation. As prayer, it is hard to pray when you are focusing on nothing… I couldn’t bite my tongue; I made a comment about focusing on Jesus Christ and trusting in Him instead of worrying about how to get to my end destination or goal. I shared Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s idea with them that on the straight, narrow path to righteousness, one should focus on Christ alone, so as not to be daunted by the gaping chasms on either side of you. To me, that means my destination (my end) is Jesus, the journey (my means) is not as important. I hope I made it clearer to them than I just did in writing it, hehehe.

Anyway, after the seminar, Jim Wallis hosted a panel of leaders who talked about issues based on poverty and the church’s response to them. I can’t remember right now who the speakers were; I’ll try to look that up. After they said their piece, Jim invited the audience to pose questions about the issue of poverty. I decided to address an issue close to my heart since both of my parents are public school teachers. Basically, I feel the lack of a decent education is a main contributor and a reinforcement of poverty. What I hoped the board would address was how could the church respond to the issue of insuring our youth have better educational resources. I was one of the last to make it up there, so time was short and my question did not get the attention others did. When I sat back down, a lady thanked me for asking it, as she was a public school teacher, and we wondered together what we could do to get a response. After the audience was adjourned for dinner, we both approached Jim to seek a response. He had some good things to say about what has been and could yet be done. I think he asked the teacher to email him in order to start an education task-force for Sojourners. After that issue had been raised, I talked to him a little bit about PAPA and he said he was upset that he did not get through to speak to everyone. I mentioned how I was hoping to make my voice stronger and clearer (as he had said earlier in his address about emerging leaders). Not wanting to take much of his time, I asked if I could email him. He gave me his address and asked me to relay to Shane that he would be missed at the conference. Then I made my way downstairs to see Tony Campolo, who was doing a book signing. I didn’t have a book for him to sign, but instead asked him for a few moments later in the conference to discuss with him what he spoke about to the PAPA fest crowd. He thought Tuesday might be a good time. Unfortunately I never got to see him, but I plan to email him when I get back to Hawaii.

After the panel discussion and book signing, we were released to dinner. I walked outside to find somewhere to eat, and I didn’t take 10 steps before I was asked if I could spare some change by a man in a pink collared shirt. I hate giving cash, so I asked him if it was for something to eat. He told me it was, so I asked if he liked chicken, because Popeye’s was the nearest food place. Sure enough, he didn’t have much of a preference, so I went by and got three to-go meals, they even gave me some extra because I ordered the wrong meal I walked back and sat under the bus stop that I had met him at. His name was Isaiah, like the prophet, and he introduced me to his wife Denise. It was a great dinner; we talked about him, he asked about me. It was such a great experience. He told me he was a veteran, and that they had been on the street for nearly a decade. Denise had a bag wrapped around her foot because a couple weeks ago she had gotten frostbite sleeping outside. I do not know if it was at a hospital or not, but she had two toes removed and the bag was protecting her sutures from getting wet. It was clear to me that they were not telling me these things to guilt trip me, it was just what was going on in their life. I told them about where I was from and a little about how I found myself in Washington. I shared with them what our purpose was for the conference, and I think they saw hope for just a moment. I told them who was speaking, how many people attended, and how many other young people showed their support. Isaiah wiped his eyes, Denise was just flabbergasted. Then we talked about the weather. It was a seamless transition, we were three equals.

They didn’t see the clean clothes and trimmed fingernails, I didn’t see the mismatching shoes or missing teeth. I was out there for the full dinner break, about an hour and a half. Before I left, I asked if there was anything they needed for the next few weeks, anything I could bring them. I thought about Denise getting frostbite, and they confirmed they could use some blankets. I promised I would do my best to round some up. I asked if I could pray with them, and if Isaiah wanted to lead us. He declined, but as he grasped first Denise’s hand then my own, he told me I should. I took Denise’s hand in mine and thanked God for bringing us together and I prayed that the march on Capitol Hill would have a true impact. I asked for continued courage and strength for Isaiah and Denise, among other things. After I closed I gave them each a hug and told them I would see them again soon. As I made my way back to the sanctuary, I whispered another prayer for them and thanked God for the experience. I can’t remember right now what we did after dinner, I am pretty sure I did a lot of thinking about Isaiah and Denise. After the day was over, I figured I would walk the mile or so back to GWU, where I was staying. I was feeling like being alone and thinking, so I walked it in the rain. It felt good to reconnect with nature, to kind of submit myself to her again.

Tuesday was Capitol Hill day, and no republican representative made it to our morning pep talk. Howard Dean, the Democratic Chair, had a good message and even took some questions if I remember correctly. Later in the day we were going to lobby our senators, so I wanted to make a statement. I had joked with Nate or someone about making a shirt with a message on it. I had nothing better to do while listening to lobbying trainers (who needs training anyway, right?), so I started scribbling on a white t-shirt I had brought. On the front, I wrote in big letters COWARD. On the back, I wrote it again vertically, intending to make it an acronym. Next to the letters, I filled in “Conscientious Objector Willfully Against Rendering Death.” I figured I would use a name that had been used at my expense into something that conveyed a new message. Jesus did the same with other words in the imperial lexicon, like Gospel, so I figured it would be funny if I did the same.

Surrounding the acronym I put Bible verses that spoke against war and hatred. Most of the passages were ones I had used in my packet, since they were freshest in my mind. If I remember correctly, I put these passages on the back of my shirt: Joshua 1:7-9, Micah 4:3, Exodus 20:13, James 4:1-4, 1 John 3:15, Romans 17-19 (I made a mistake and didn’t include the chapter), Luke 6:27, Acts 5:29, Matthew 26:52, and Matthew 5:9-11. The last three lines of the Beatitudes always grabs me, it makes me remember to be courageous in the face of the names they call me and the things that are said about me. We read them in the sanctuary one morning and I couldn’t read through all of them. I think those three lines are the most powerful scripts in the Bible for me right now. Anyway, I did all this in the church before we marched. It was raining outside, so I didn’t wear it right away (I didn’t want sharpie ink all over my back); I changed in the Hart Senate Building before seeing my senators. I went through the Hawaii senators with an Episcopal priest from the Big Island, she and I both went to the first, then split up; she went to our state house rep while I sought out our other senator. I have to add that after sharing about the Covenant for a new America, I brought up my situation so the aides I spoke with would know I traveled to Washington to propose some ideas for the senate. One of the aides

I talked to was a Navy nurse, and she was surprised to hear some of the things I mentioned. Anyway, gotta stick to the point.

At the second senator’s office, nobody could see me, but they left a contact number for the military affairs representative. I called him awhile later and proposed the same lofty things I had to the first aide. He was a retired marine officer, and I do not think he took my message too well, but I defended my position skillfully, at least I hope I did... He actually told me Hawaii could not help me since my home of record was California. Being in the military, it does not matter where I pay my taxes I guess, it only matters what I filled out when I was 18 years old. So I went to the California senators. Diane Feinstein had no aides to see me, but Barbara Boxer did. I spoke at great length about my situation and some of the things I hoped could be proposed in the senate. The aide was a little surprised at my ambition, I think, but she shared my opinions that things were not objective in a military court martial. I am going to be calling her later to see if she can help me with my own circumstances with how my command is dealing with my packet.

After our lobbying time, it was time for the reception with various senators. Sen. Clinton was the keynote, so everyone was looking forward to it. After all the other senators talked, she was still stuck in traffic or something, so Jim Wallis opened it up to share stories about our day on capitol hill. I think three people talked about what they spoke to the senators about before I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had a feeling since talking with Isaiah that some people had forgotten the real reason we were in Washington. I stood up and asked if we were sharing only stories from that day, or from the whole conference. Rev. Wallis said the whole conference if it was a good story. So I told them about Isaiah and Denise. I shared about how they had been shown hope in what we were working towards. In the middle of my statement, Sen. Clinton walked in, so I ended with a reminder that it isn’t just the senators who are benefiting from our lobbying. I think they clapped, but it may have been for Clinton....

Senator Clinton’s speech was really pretty engaging, and I recorded all but the last minute, my memory stick filled up. After she closed, everyone began moving toward the door. Before I could make for some food (which was already cleared before I got to it), a reporter with Knight Ridder stopped me and asked more about Isaiah. I shared what I could before he noticed my shirt with “COWARD” written on it. Whoops, forgot to change it before the reception. So he got to hear about that whole situation as well. He took a lot of notes, so I am sure he will write a good piece.

After the reception, I hitched a ride with some other ‘emerging leaders;’ a car full of girls about my age. They asked how my day went, and it somehow turned into what it said on my shirt. One of the girls was a Mennonite, and knew more about CO statistics than I do. They all took my information and promised to keep in touch. When we got back to the National City Christian Church, we pulled up on the curb by Isaiah’s bus stop, so I excused myself to say hi. One of the girls followed, so I got the chance to introduce them. It was kind of sad that the rest of them bee-lined it straight for the sanctuary, but I was glad that at least one person got to put a face behind the name.

The Emerging Leaders dinner was next, and I took a table by myself to see what would happen. The first person to sit down, a tall brown haired girl, recognized me and introduced herself. She explained that she recognized me as ‘that guy Lucky’ from PAPA fest. Apparently she had been there, and her tent mates were in the seminar where Shane asked me to share. She told me she was doing her senior thesis on intentional communities and she had a lot of respect for Chris, Shane and Jonathon.

Next to sit down was Brian McLaren, who has a new book out. He was being followed by a reporter from the Washington Post whom we found out is a Pulitzer Prize winner. Once everyone had been seated, we all shared a little about ourselves. The reporter informed us that she hates to write, I’m not sure if she was kidding. I said a little bit about my shirt and why I made it and why I visited Tennessee and DC. I was sitting next to a guy I had met earlier, who shared that he was a Mennonite. Brian thought it was interesting in a good way that he and I were sitting next to each other, kind of a glaring contrast. After the dinner, one of the girls from the car ran up to me and told me I had to be in a documentary that was being shot. She said it was about young Christians and their responses to war and violence and that there was no better interview subject than a guy in my situation. I waited to be seen, but they got shut down at 10:30 by security, so it had to wait until Wednesday.

The next day Barak Obama accepted the Amos award and spoke for about half an hour. After the award presentation, I attended a class on organizing on campuses for the emerging leaders. I tried to relate what they spoke about for their ‘campus’ to my ministry, possibly Schofield Barracks. There was some concern about fundraising and gaining the resources to reach people on campus, I didn’t really understand a lot of what was being said. I shared out loud that resources aren’t always necessary and that what people really need are personal relationships with other people. I think that is the most effective way to ‘convert’ people, through positive example. If someone were to ask me why I do what I do, I will happily share that I am called to care about others because I am a Christian.

When people see you doing good deeds and you are very vocal about being a Christian, they excuse you as just another bleeding heart, obliged to service because of your religious beliefs. In my experience, it is better to let them think about you whatever they wish, and to let your actions do the speaking for you. I encouraged all of the under-30 year olds to find their own Isaiahs, and not to do it because they have to, but because they care deeply for their brothers and sisters on the street. I think if someone is doing it because they think they are ‘supposed to,’ then it comes off exactly that way.

After that seminar, we wrapped it up in the sanctuary, with Brian McLaren giving the Benediction. After that, I was pulled aside again to be interviewed for the documentary, but I didn’t have to wait long to sit down with them. It was kind of funny; the first thing they asked from me was to share my ‘story.’ I asked which part they wanted me to focus on, but they said “all of it.” They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into… 45 minutes later I had spit out all the major details, along with my own developing theology about Just-War and how it relates to the Old Testament and our modern era. They also asked what I was doing in DC, and I shared a bit about PAPA fest, and about my day on capitol hill in my “COWARD” t-shirt. It was so funny watching their eyes slowly grow wider and more focused as I explained how I had come to my beliefs and what they had, up to that point, developed into. Even the camerawoman had questions for me! I hope I gave them some food for thought, it seemed like they were interested.

When they were satisfied that I had nothing else to offer (about an hour and a half), I spoke personally to one of the producers about what I was going through and got his name and email, it was a great time for fellowship that felt so good! After I was done there, I rushed downstairs and caught up with Brian McLaren to get his info (we had spoken together briefly at the Emerging Leaders Dinner about Emergent Village and writing books). I also spoke to Josh from Freedom from Fear again, and I voiced my concerns about basing an organization around a critique of another organization. I told him he could contact me, but also respectfully disagreed with some of his ideas.

After helping him tear down his stand, I went back to the dorms at GWU to drop off my goodies and went for a tour of the Nation’s Capitol. It was eerily like I imagine Jerusalem must have felt to Jesus or Rome to Paul and Peter; the seat of political power and influence and the home of many false idols and worshiping of false Gods. The Lincoln memorial even identifies itself as a temple. They were all beautifully done, but I was disturbed how many memorials we have to wars and death, but so few to the God in whom we claim to trust…

I didn’t know this before, but there has been a constant protest outside the gates of the white house against war and nuclear weapons. I’ll try to attach photos, but apparently this lady has been there since 1981 or something, and I believe it. Sweet old lady, but wouldn’t let me pray with her. She said she was too busy (sweeping mud from around her makeshift home). It made me think about how dedicated some people are to peace, even more so than I could ever imagine myself to be. I also visited the Einstein memorial by the State Department. Very interesting statue…

ACLU & Rear Detachment

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:49:33 GMT

Mid July, 2006

A lot has happened recently, that’s why I haven’t gotten much of a chance to keep in touch with everyone. Ill try to keep it brief and to the point. Here we go;

A couple of weeks ago I submitted a request to the ACLU for legal representation in my case. I thought I would be forcibly deployed before I could get a fair hearing and a decision on my Conscientious Objector (CO) application. The ACLU had a huge federal success in March of 2006 with a guy named Corey Martin. He was in a similar case; under deployment orders with a pending CO application. Also, the ACLU is all pro-bono, so it would be a recognizable organization at no cost to me. Additionally, I was referred to a civil rights lawyer by a friend of mine. This lawyer turned out to be the same one representing a Seattle officer refusing to go to Iraq based on it’s violations of international and US law. I knew of his case awhile ago, in fact I met with and spoke to his mother the week before he went public. Very inspiring to see him stand by what he knows is right…

Anyway, I was contacted the week before last by the ACLU in response to my request. I informed them I was preparing to meet with the lawyer and they asked if I would be okay with him co-counseling with him. I was more than fine getting such reputable legal representation! I met with them and gave them my info, dating back to April and May. They agreed that I had plenty of time to work with (much to my surprise), and a call was placed to the Schofield legal office, asking what the status of my case was. This was on a Friday afternoon, and Monday morning I saw an immediate reaction.

I was whisked into the First Sergeant’s office and told I was being reassigned to rear-detachment; that I was not to deploy with the unit. The reason for this was that the psychiatrist I saw for my CO interview diagnosed me with an unspecified “adjustment disorder,” and recommended that I be discharged. He also labeled me ‘medically non-deployable.’ I assumed that because they reassigned me (in violation of the regulation governing COs) that they were going to abandon my CO application and instead discharge me, as per the doctor’s recommendation, based on a medical diagnosis claiming I was not fit to remain in the Army.

When I inquired about this, I was told that I was not going to be discharged, but simply made non-deployable; essentially they were assigning me to a year of garrison duty on stop/loss orders, months past my original termination date. This was in violation of a few regulations, so along with a few other complaints I went to the inspector general. The Inspector General (IG) ensures units comply with rules and lets the commanding general know when units are not. I went to them about a few things my unit had been doing and I was informed that all my complaints were legitimate and a few calls were made. The following day, I was called back into the commander’s office and was talked to about how I was creating stress on the unit and going out of my way to burden the command with my attempts to “get out of this deployment.” I was told that I was less than useless, that I was engaging in conduct unbecoming of a Noncommissioned Officer (NCO), and that my CO application and this “conversion nonsense” was “bullshit.” I was finally given a direct order to never step foot in the unit’s area again. I forced back a chuckle. Also, he told me that I was only helping myself and the “enemies of America” by submitting a request for Noncombatant status. I was accused of lying to both my lawyer and the psychiatrist and he said he was disgusted by the rank I wore and told me I didn’t deserve it.

I had/have a lot of mixed emotions about what has happened, but it is basically out of my hands. In a nutshell, I am hurt that I will not get the chance to deploy with the unit without a weapon. I was obviously too idealistic in hoping to suggest alternatives for violence, and I now know that it is inconceivable to my commander that war truly should be a last resort. Anyway, I am already researching CPT and how to become involved in that kind of ministry. I could go on much longer, but I don’t want to weigh you all down with a long email again. I swear, before a couple of months ago, my emails were only a paragraph long! Thanx for reading this far; if you have, please respond with your thoughts, I would really love to hear from everyone! Or call me, I’ll have plenty of time on my hands for a little while…

Sworn Statements & Coffee Shop

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:49:03 GMT

Early August, 2006

Well, things have only gotten more complicated and frustrating. I recently found out that my former commander is compiling sworn statements against me, in an effort to build some kind of case against me. I am not sure what they could accuse me of, but the going story around the rumor mill has it as ‘conspiracy.’ Basically, it seems that they want to accuse me of manipulating the soldier who worked for me for several months and decided to put in his own CO application. He recently decided to rescind the application, which gave them reason to believe that since he made the decision to withdraw only after they had moved him away from me, he was under my mind-control the whole time… I dunno. It will be hard to prove I was directing him to do anything, even if I did have something to gain from him submitting his packet.

After I found out about the sworn statements, I was told by Division Legal that I am entitled access to such statements under the Freedom of Information Act. So I am working on getting those copies before they deploy next week, but I think it is unlikely it will happen that fast. I also submitted a statement to include in my CO packet that requested my commander provide justification for a derogatory evaluation he wrote on me a week ago. I supplied legal with a copy, as well as the inspector general. I also gave one to the commander, since I feel it would be mirroring exactly what they are doing to me if I were to submit the statement without his knowledge.

Later in the week, I found out about an order the commander gave the private to not contact me under any circumstances. This order basically is a restraining order, so he is not allowed to communicate with me. Also, the order directly obstructs my appeal process for the negative evaluation they submitted on me, since I cannot get a statement from the only other firsthand witness to the actions they are accusing me of. The legality of that order is in question, but until it is deemed unlawful by a legal expert in division, I plan to abide by it. The day after I found this out, I was given, by my new commander, an order to not contact him. So now it goes both ways, I can’t get in touch with him or him with me. I don’t know of a clearer example of ‘manipulating’ a soldier as the commanders have developed this situation into. Back to the accusations; I have heard that they could be planning anything from nothing to a full blown court martial. If they decide to try to push Nonjudicial Punishment (Article 15 proceedings), my inclination is to waive it and press for court martial; that way I could be represented by a lawyer and I could be afforded a more judicious form of trial. The bottom line, however, is that I just don’t know what to expect right now and all this is speculation until something is done.

If this email has been kind of all over the place, I apologize. I am in the middle of moving, doing three work details a day during duty hours, and trying to keep abreast of all of this CO stuff on top of that. I have been pretty tired lately, especially after pulling two 24 hour duties in one week. Also, I asked a local Christian coffee shop if I could use their store to open up a discussion about Just War and how the body of Christ should respond. I got a call from the owner last night saying that is not something they want discussed in their shop; as war is ‘too controversial.’ It broke my heart. Thousands of people are dying and we can’t even talk about it publicly. I was really crushed by her decision. That’s part of why I am so listless today; it just hurts to think someone doesn’t even want to address the issue verbally as so many children of God don’t even have that choice; to simply talk about it instead of being victim to it. It might sound harsh, but I think a more accurate term to use to describe my reaction would be ‘disgusted’ and ‘appalled.’ Her phone call just floored me. Still recovering from it, I guess. Anyway, hope that this email was at least informative.

Mental Disorder Update

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:48:13 GMT

Mid August, 2006

Well, there have finally been some developments in my whole Army existence… I think the last time I wrote was just before my unit deployed, which was about two or three weeks ago. Since then, I have been in touch with the rear detachment chaplain and I am still seeing the psychiatrist who interviewed me for the CO application. It seemed after the unit left that I was going to wait for my packet to be forwarded and the likely course of action would be that it would get approved then I would be transferred to another unit in a Noncombatant role. Once I got moved to another unit, however, the stop loss would not affect me and I would be separated from the army since my last day of service was supposed to be August 8^th. Last week, I spoke to the chaplain and gave him a copy of my packet and told him what had happened to it since I last saw it. I talked to him also about the things that my commander had said and how things had been mishandled (at least administratively) thus far. I also spoke to him about something else that I had only recently begun to feel.

A few weeks ago, I applied to Christian Peacemaker Teams to go to Israel in November. When I spoke to several individuals in my unit about it, they told me there was no chance I would be able to go to a place like that. I asked about the prospect of a place like the Congo or Africa; again, no dice – health reasons. I began to think I could not pursue the kind of mission trips I was interested in while I am still in uniform. I feel very strongly that God has called me to be a peacemaker, to work against war. In a way, I felt that I was being held back, or domesticated, by not being allowed to seek the path I felt lead to. I shared this concern with both my psychiatrist and the acting chaplain last week and they showed concern for my situation. The psychiatrist was disappointed that his original recommendation from June was ignored, and asked me if I had spoken to my new commander about the situation. I shared with him about the time I attempted to do that, only to be told to get out of his office (another long story). Shortly after that appointment, I was called outside his office for something, only to hear him tell another officer in there (with the office door wide open), “I don’t want that motherf—er in here.” So, needless to say, I am not interested in speaking to him again unless forced to. My psychiatrist asked for my permission to call the commander, which I didn’t object to. I asked him what he hoped to address with him, the doc said he was going to ask what the commander hoped to do about me, the separate as per his recommendation or to keep me on rear-detachment. He also filled out another mental status evaluation to give to the commander; in this one, he again recommended discharge, but also reiterated the fact that I have a diagnosed mental disorder (failure to adjust), that must be acknowledged.

The chaplain, on the other hand, suggested I go back to the inspector general about the administrative errors in my packet, and to get legal involved. I mentioned I was considering withdrawing my current packet and submitting a new one requesting discharge instead. He thought that was definitely a viable route, but suggested I speak to my commander first. When I speak to him, he said, ask him to honor the psychiatrist’s recommendation for separation. If the commander does not wish to do that, then advise him of my intent to submit a new packet. The chaplain was very supportive and seemed eager to help with whatever path I chose to pursue. I spoke to both the chaplain and the doctor last week. Before I left the doc’s office, he told me to come in today (Monday) to see how things had gone.

The psychiatrist had called my commander and relayed to him the fact that the mental disorder trumps anything to do with the conscientious objector request. He told my commander that the packet should be abandoned and I should be separated administratively for medical reasons. Apparently, the new commander had not been briefed about my status, other than that my old commander believed I was trying to get out of a deployment. From what the psychiatrist told me today, the commander plans to separate me through medical channels as he requested. I don’t know for sure what will actually happen, but I suppose I should go to the commander later this week and see if I can speak to him professionally and figure out what he hopes to pursue.

I cannot deny that Jesus has called me to something. There isn’t a shred of doubt that what I saw on April 20^th was directly from Him. A couple friends have shared with me their concern that I need to stop fighting the system and just suffer unjustly, to let the system have its way with me. Are there any others who have read this far who feel the same way? I do truly see the spirit of a servant in that, but I also believe that truth ultimately outweighs humility, but they can both be achieved simultaneously, look at John 18:23 for instance. Part of me cannot allow someone to spread lies and break the law, I am too stubborn I suppose. A bit of it may be pride, but some of it may also be a commitment to justice. The reason I have not been court-martialed is that they have no real case against me, I have never deviated from the governing regulations or disrespected anyone. They have found no professional fault with me, so to speak. I am pursuing this because God has given me my vocation. I tried honestly to go with the army, but the ‘system’ would not allow that. I would like to go even on leave, but again, the ‘system’ will not allow that. What is my recourse? I cannot abandon or delay His bid to come and follow Him; John 9:62. I spoke to another soldier over the weekend about my desire to go to Iraq without a weapon, he could not understand why I would go to war without a weapon. He didn’t realize that I had all the weapons I needed already, and none of them fired bullets. He asked, as everyone does, how I hoped to defend myself. I answered “Christ in me, Christ through me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ on my left and on my right, Christ below me and Christ above me. (a quote I found recently, I cannot remember the author)” Its about faith and trust in God; a rifle does nothing to strengthen my faith, instead, it deceives me into thinking a gun can buy me safety. In fact, to me, it is repulsive to hold in my hands. All a weapon achieves is destruction. I cannot feed the homeless a bullet or the buttstock of my rifle, I cannot teach children math with my upper receiver or my trigger guard, or care for the sick and elderly with my muzzle or my front sight. What utility does a weapon have? I loved what Jim Douglass told Jonathon and Leah in Iraq, “God will be our shield.” He quickly reminds them that that does not necessarily guarantee their physical safety (we are not to worry about those who can harm the flesh but not the spirit). My life is Christ’s, to do with as He pleases.

ETS Update

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:46:34 GMT

Mid September, 2006

Ok, prepare yourselves for some good news, it’s a little complicated, but I will try to make sense out of it. Last week, I noticed that my ETS date (last day in the army) had changed on my Leave and Earnings Statement (“LES,” basically my pay stub); it used to be October of 2007, but now it was saying November of 2006. I was certain it was a mistake, so I investigated it. After two or three days chasing information, I came to find out that there is no mistake. My last day in the army will be November 21, just over two months from now. Now, I am not a believer of ‘coincidences,’ but regardless, the process has been initiated to separate me from the military.

To make a long story as simple as possible, when I was reassigned back in late July (against the regulation for conscientious objection), the unit I was moved to is a unit that is not designated as being subject to the “stop loss” policy. Stop loss is what was keeping me in the army until October of 2007, but since I was reassigned to the rear detachment unit, the stop loss order is not longer binding for me. Some system got updated after my former unit deployed, so my Effective Termination of Service (“ETS,” or separation) date was updated as well. The new date was made 90 days from the date it was discovered (somewhere in early August); 90 days being the standard time required to adequately transition out of the army. I found out about it late because it originated in an automated system, so I didn’t get the word until it appeared in my pay stub.

So the unfortunate news is that my transition will be rushed. The good news is that I will get out in time to go to Israel if I take a few vacation days to drop my effective departure date earlier. I have decided to pursue the delegation to Israel, but I am pretty much not going to have the time to fundraise enough in time to raise the whole amount. If you would like to help, your donations are much appreciated; I will send a separate email very soon with details on how to contribute.

The way I see my future is pretty cluttered; I pretty much had to lay out all my hopes and dreams and figure out my priorities yesterday in order to submit my ETS packet to start the process. My last day at work will be October 19, at which point I will be given a ticket to California from the army, which I plan to use on the 1^st of November. For a few weeks, I will probably try to reconnect with friends and family at home before I jump on a flight to Tel Aviv (more planning to follow on that…). The official delegation is from the 19^thof November to December 1^st, but another member is planning on staying past those dates on her own. I am very interested in doing the same, and if I can convince her to travel closer to Lebanon that would definitely be one of my goals. I expect that to be maybe two weeks directly following the CPT delegation, so that puts it right around mid December. After getting done with that, I plan on staying home for the holidays, at least through new years. Once that has come and gone (early to mid January), I am thinking about going back to Hawaii to complete school.

I looked deeply into going to another school (i.e. a Bible college), but with how many CLEP credits I have with HPU, there is next to NO chance that another school would accept that many as transfer credit. Also, HPU is very veteran-friendly, and I could save a lot of money going to night and evening classes on post. I only have 4 classes to complete before I am a junior, so I’ll do those during the spring, which shouldn’t be too strenuous. Once I have a few more actual in-school credit hours with HPU, I might think about transferring again, but that will be a long time from now, and I don’t know that I will hate HPU that much… During my summers, I hope to go on long term (2-3 month) mission trips overseas, and then focus on school fall to spring. So yeah, that’s about it for the next 6 months or so…

Philadelphia Update

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:46:10 GMT

October 2, 2006

The last couple of weeks have been awesome. I first arrived in Philly Sunday afternoon, when Chris Haw picked me up and took me straight to his place (where I completely forgot to change my shirt or put on deodorant before we headed over to the RT get together at Kaitlin’s house). Camden is such a run down spot; it reminded me of movies that have a ‘Gotham’ kind of feel about them. I haven’t seen anything like it before, the whole area used to be a shipyard that had a huge economy. Over the years, I guess the production moved elsewhere. The abandonment reminded me of the stuff I used to see in Iraq, where it was eerily Ghost Town-like. Before we headed over to the dinner, Chris showed me the garden Andréa tended every morning, some of the plants were wilted due to the lateness of the season.

I have even been feeling the weather begin to chill. We drove by the ‘big house,’ where Melissa and Jeremy were staying, and I got to see the different areas around the house. Definitely a depressing place if you’re not prepared for it. Somewhere along the drive, Chris mentioned he was looking for someone to sit at a rectory down the street while it got revamped into a museum. I guess that means someone would basically just occupy the living quarters while the workmen were coming in and out during the day. It would be rent free and I would get a very good long-term look at how communities work and get some good ideas about sustainability and financial support for such a group.

We got to Kaitlin’s house and caught up with everyone, dinner was very good. Farah, who had been given a $1000 gift by the RT to take with her into Lebanon, shared her experiences with the group. The pictures could have been taken straight out of my Iraq folder; the area’s desolation and destruction is so similar. Some of what she shared was hard for me to swallow, which was a good reminder that I have some skeletons that I need to air out again before I go back to the Middle East. I’ll elaborate more on that later.

I asked her about getting into Lebanon from Israel, and she said it would be near impossible to cross the border with an Israeli stamp on my passport. I suppose I will need to replace my passport when I get home to be able to visit other countries in the area in the future. It answered the question of if I will get into Lebanon after the CPT delegation pretty quickly. Anyway, good stuff was talked about in the time we had, I even brought up the issue that my RT request for Christine was not addressed very much and even kind of fizzled out without enough guidance. Cassie expressed a lot of remorse over that, but it more than likely had a lot to do with my own poorly executed message. Anyway, great fellowship and sharing, I had a great time and learned a lot.

The next day I went with Shane and Chris down to the DC area to attend Mike and Stacy Stavlund’s funeral for their baby Will, who passed away from a heart condition the week before. I heard about what happened through the RT; the couple are members of the East Cluster with me and probably would have been in the get together had it not been for such a tragic occurrence. I read Mike’s blog the day I heard about it and was brought to tears for such a difficult struggle for both Will and his parents. At the funeral, Mike actually approached me and introduced himself, which caught me off guard, since I thought his mind would be elsewhere. I offered my support and my regret that we could not meet under more joyous circumstances, but he seemed grateful that I made it all the way out to be able to attend. I was very glad that I had decided the night prior to go with Chris and Shane.

Mike gave a very emotional and powerful eulogy, as well as many others who knew Will well. I was surprised to find it was an open casket funeral, which only speaks to my own inexperience with funerals. The fact that the deceased was less than a year old was particularly difficult for me to face. I hesitated a long time to approach Mike and Stacy after the service, and pass by the casket to catch a glimpse of young Will. I was convinced that I would be reminded of other dead babies I’ve seen and wasn’t sure if I was prepared for that. I finally committed to passing by and giving my respects to the survivors, and I was surprised that Stacy was so courteous and welcoming in such a harsh time. She said she was so happy that I had made it out and wished we would get another opportunity in the future to get acquainted again. I gave Mike another much needed hug (probably for both of us), and made my way out to meet Chris at the car. Our trip home was a great time catching up with Shane and Chris, and watching DC pass by.

The next day I went to the Simple Way in the morning; I took the subway from south Philly up to a meeting Shane was sharing at. It was a meeting for the Philadelphia chapter of Mission Year, an urban resettlement kind of ministry that sets interested youth up in a house with other people in similar age groups to witness to people in the area. It seems similar to any other community, but the participants only stay for a year, so the members at any given house rotate out once a year. It offers the opportunity to live in a large city in the middle of an impoverished area. Seems like fun. Shane shared about his community and a few tips on how to live together successfully in community.

After the meeting, he and I went back to the Simple Way to pick up Fred to go to the food bank and collect food for distribution. Fred is a great guy, very easy to get along with and affable, who is between jobs and has found a place amongst the guys at the Simple Way. He was very interested in Hawaii and its blue water and easy going atmosphere. We collected food together and returned to the house to sort it into bags to hand out later that afternoon.

The next few days, I just pretty much played the role of a visitor, watching how everything was run, how the whole operation works. I starting to feel lead to seriously pursue starting an intentional community like the Simple Way and Camden House in Hawaii. In the months that I have been searching for like minded people and establishments in the Aloha State, I have been mostly disappointed in the absence of places that do not shy away from what I feel the Bible is pretty clear about. I have found that there is one Mennonite meeting house that meets only every other week on O'ahu, which I thought was unusual. A lot of things that have been going on have really begun to illustrate to me that a Christian community is something that would be a welcome relief in Hawaii. I happen to be visiting the same week as the Christian Community Development conference in Philadelphia, which I find very coincidental.

I have also been given the opportunity to live with the Mission Year ‘Hope House’ community down the street from Simple Way. I am very encouraged by the opportunity to fellowship with others who share much of the same passion I have for ‘the least of these.’ After about three nights at Simple Way, I moved over to the Hope House for the weekend. So far, every night has taught me something new and has sharpened my beliefs and theology as I engage in thoughtful discussion with the men and women at Mission Year.

Peace Rally & Concert Update

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:44:36 GMT

October 7, 2006

Thursday night I spoke at a rally in Honolulu. The organizers were actually “the World Can’t Wait,” which is a left wing-ish type of movement directing efforts at impeaching Bush and speaking against the conservative kind of agenda his administration follows. I had seen this crowd before, and I love to hear what they have to offer. I won’t go into my own views just yet, but I do sympathize with some of their views. Anyway, we didn’t go up until after dark, it was me and Joshua (Iraq Veterans Against the War –IVAW- Hawaii chapter director), and two other guys – Dylan, who is also clearing out of the army (and also a forward observer), and Kevin, who got out several months ago. Josh led in with the broad idea behind IVAW and introduced us and our individual circumstances. Kevin went first, he had experience in Afghanistan and spoke about pharmaceutical companies’ involvement in drug seizing out there. Dylan went next and didn’t have anything prepared, but he spoke very openly from his heart in appreciation for everyone supporting guys like us, who had had seen their own fair share of war and didn’t want any part of it any longer. Josh, Kevin, and Dylan were not shy about their views or the passion with which they hold them. I was a little more restrained (in vigor and in language, which is not to say that their use of explicatives was unwarranted), though my message was no less heartfelt.

I opened up with a little history about myself and then pretty much read from the page I had with me. I was pretty nervous about sharing such a religiously oriented message to groups that I had seen passing out flyers saying “Keep God out of my uterus,” and other such stuff. A friend was video taping me, so I got to watch my nervous fidgeting myself; it was pretty comical. I finished what I had written and we were stepping off the stage when I was tapped on the shoulder by an individual beside the stage. I turned to greet him, since I offered my time and prayer for anyone who wished to meet with me. When I looked into his eyes, something didn’t exude the usual welcoming warmth I have seen with others who have been sympathetic to me in the past.

He asked me outright, “Hey you’re still in the army?” I assured him that I was. With that, he launched into an aggressive campaign to insist that I be ashamed of myself. When I realized his purpose, I successfully suppressed the instinct to respond in kind. Instead, I stuck my hands in my pockets and decided to listen to what he had to offer. Unfortunately, he brought very little to the table. His very basic message was that I, as well as everyone who spoke with me, had signed a contract and we were to now serve the military unquestioningly with seemingly blind obedience. I had heard this before, so I was accustomed to the argument (that is a very forgiving way to describe his verbal and physical tactics). The guy actually poked me in the chest a few times while he was going on with everything. Joshua heard what he had begun with me and decided to step in, returning the guys’ aggressiveness, though without the poking.

They argued about it a bit and I was grabbed by another guy and asked to pray with him. This new guy had actually been discouraging Poker and reminding us all that the reason we were here was to promote peace. This new guy, who I’ll call New Ager, thanked me for going up there and speaking my mind, and said he wanted to take me up on my offer to pray with him for peace. So I did, including the ongoing tirade behind us. When I wrapped it up, we talked about the Mayan calendar and he did me the great service of letting me know when Jesus was going to return. You ready for this? December 12^th 20012, which he rounded off to 2013 or so. I guess this is a pretty widespread belief; a bunch of guys corrected him when he initially said 2013. So I guess I better get all my business in order by then. Anyway, he introduced himself as Metatron, who in Christian tradition was Enoch – who entered heaven without suffering death and was made by God into an enormous angel responsible for keeping tabs on everyone’s sins (he was a great accountant), and his name is in the running for one of the two witnesses who will prophesy at Jerusalem in the last days. I didn’t tell him all this. He was happy just being a prophet for the last days, if that title is appropriate.

My friend Bill, who video taped for me, witnessed with me and offered New Ager something before went back to proclaiming the last day on earth as 2013. After the dispute settled down, we all went to dinner. I was still in my COWARD t-shirt from Washington DC. We were just across the street from the rally, and a few people who had also been there came up and thanked us for sharing. So things kind of came around eventually.

Friday I went to a Pennylane and Olivia concert down the street from my house in Hale’iwa, both are local bands that play great Christian music. I didn’t have anyone to go with, and I had skated for a few hours beforehand, so I found something to sit on near the back of the gym to rest my feet and be a wallflower. The concert went really well, and the two bands that played right before them were really good, so I have a few new bands to search for on Myspace. Olivia finally came on, and they had one of the best sets I had ever seen, which isn’t saying much considering how many concerts I have been to. Olivia is gaining a huge fan base worldwide; they played at Hillsong Church in Australia among other large venues. They have been touring for a long time and this was their homecoming concert. It was obvious how happy they were to be home, and how much home meant to them. The place they were playing was actually where the North Shore Christian Fellowship meets on Sundays, the church I was going to in the early stages of my CO application. The place is just a small gym off the main street in the sleepy surf town of Hale’iwa. Coming from such a huge place like Hillsong must have been a change. Anyway, partway through one of their first songs, I remembered the song that was playing when I was converted on the bus going to California back in April. The song that played was “Heaven,” and I immediately thought how great it would be to hear that song played live after attaching such great significance to it. I actually prayed about it, I really quickly and simply asked God that they might play it somewhere in their set.

When the song they were signing wrapped up, the lead singer, Reed, said “ok, we’re going to slow it down a bit…” What song was next on their set list? Sure enough, Reed told the audience how the next song had great meaning to him and if anyone wanted to hear more about it to see one of them after the concert was over. Then they launched into “Heaven,” much to my surprise. I felt like hearing that song was almost a capstone on all that had been going on for the last six months. Like going out of the military was the conclusion of all the drama and trials I had been through, and God was assuring me that I was entering a new season of my life. During the course of the song, I couldn’t even listen to most of it, I was in thankful prayer to Him for everything that I had been put through and for the person it was making me. It was a mirror of the experience in April; like two fancy bookends meeting and making a cute little image together, each unique but complimenting one another to make a single figure.

After that song, a girl came up to me. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place why. She came up to me and yelled in my ear (I still couldn’t quite hear her over the band), “were you at that rally yesterday?” I told her I was, and recognized where I had seen her. She was speaking to someone in our group as the Poker was ranting on at me. She told me she thought it took a lot of courage to do what we did, and she said she had seen Poker getting pissed and was surprised how I reacted. I think she said something about how she would have reacted more like Josh had, with a little more retributive anger. Before she returned to her group of friends, she thanked me for going up there and being a little different from the rest of the guys who spoke.

During “Heaven,” I felt lead to hear from the band why that song was significant to them and hopefully be able to share my own reason for its significance. I am really shy usually, so it was gonna be interesting trying to find one of them away from the crowds enough to approach them. Once the concert was over, I decided to plop down on a bench and see how God would work it out. Eventually, an older woman came up to me and started some small talk. It started with ‘how did you like the concert,’ or something. After some more chit chat, I come to find out that she is the mother of one of the guitarists. Also, the name of the band, Olivia, was used to commemorate her daughter who was a still born many years ago. Olivia is the guitarist’s unborn sister, and the band used the name to remember her. I was really moved when I heard that. I shared with the mother, Roxanne, what has been going on with the Army and Israel and everything (I actually got it down to less than 10 minutes!), and she offered to call her son over, saying the band members would probably like to hear more. She got up and walked off and the seat next to me opened up. Pastor Mike of North Shore Christian Fellowship, who I had talked to many months ago about my CO request and had received a less-than-favorable vibe from, came up to me and we caught up.

As I was speaking with him, I saw Reed, the lead singer, slowly making his way through the crowd toward the bench I was sitting on. Sure enough, he sat down next to me, chatting with fans the whole time. When Pastor Mike and I had said everything we needed to say, I caught my breath and turned toward Reed and the small group of fans gathered around the bench. Just as I had refocused my attention, he offered his hand and introduced himself. I figured Roxanne had sent him over, but wasn’t sure.

We got to talking, and I asked about the song and why it had special meaning to him. He said it was written at a time when he was spiritually lost, kind of in a low and trying to pick himself back up. I told him the significance it had to me and where I was in my life when I heard it. We laughed about how the times that it had reached us were similar. We went on to talk about a bunch of things, like finding one’s place and how often God usually uses you right where you’re at in life. We also talked about why God used war to shape His people in the Old Testament, and how when we were both converted it was accompanied by this thirst for understanding scripture not based on what other people claimed but to really read it and find out firsthand what it said. I felt bad for keeping him from adoring fans, so I promised to email him all the web stuff I had and offered again my gratitude for taking the time to delve a little deeper into stuff with me for awhile. With that I took off and took the long way home to reflect on everything that had been going on for the last several days, the moon was full and the night was warm so I met God on the beach for a bit too…